I’m now the same age my mother was when she died. There’s one thing I never told her.

May 09, 2025 | By Mark Stu­art

Orig­i­nal­ly pub­lished in May 2023, this pow­er­ful reflec­tion from San Diego Foun­da­tion Pres­i­dent & CEO Mark A. Stu­art shares a deeply per­son­al sto­ry about love, iden­ti­ty, and the impact of a mother’s devo­tion. Mark offers a mov­ing mes­sage just ahead of Mother’s Day — one that speaks to par­ents, LGBTQ+ youth, and any­one nav­i­gat­ing the com­plex lay­ers of fam­i­ly and belong­ing.

If Judy Stu­art were alive today, I hope she would be proud of the per­son, leader and exec­u­tive I have become.

This Mother’s Day is far dif­fer­ent for me than the pre­vi­ous 27. In late April, I real­ized that for Mother’s Day 2023, I am now the same age as my moth­er was when she died 28 years ago.

I was for­tu­nate to have a moth­er who invest­ed so much love, atten­tion and devo­tion into me. She was a first-gen­er­a­tion col­lege grad­u­ate and want­ed me to be suc­cess­ful. She rejoiced at my place­ment into an aca­d­e­m­i­cal­ly gift­ed mag­net school, encour­aged all my inter­ests and eas­i­ly for­gave me for my many short­com­ings. She helped me fur­nish my first apart­ment and cheered for my then-fledg­ling career in col­lege fundrais­ing. She was a best friend to a kid who didn’t have many close friend­ships. We agreed that our best moth­er-son trip would be to take the bus to Grace­land, wear­ing our best triple-knit poly­ester out­fits to pay homage to Elvis Pres­ley. It was our dream to do so, but it nev­er hap­pened.

While we talked a lot about many top­ics, there was one that I nev­er brought up, even when she was in my care dur­ing her home hos­pice expe­ri­ence. I nev­er shared that I was gay.

At one point when I was between high school and col­lege, we were sit­ting alone in our fam­i­ly room watch­ing tele­vi­sion, and she asked if I was gay. My response was an imme­di­ate and com­plete refusal. My fear of dis­cov­ery was enor­mous, and from that moment I did every­thing pos­si­ble to hide who I was, despite know­ing my sex­u­al ori­en­ta­tion since fourth grade.

I feared being kicked out of the house and my family’s life, and being cut off finan­cial­ly and emo­tion­al­ly. How would I pay for col­lege on my own? Where would I go? To whom could I turn? I buried myself so deeply in my clos­et to ensure my gay­ness would nev­er see the light of day.

That was 1984, and I now real­ize that my mother’s under­stand­ing of gay life was tat­tooed-and-pierced queens wear­ing lit­tle to noth­ing on floats in 1980s Gay Pride parades that she saw on news­casts. For her, all the love, sweat and devo­tion she poured into me would be wast­ed and there was no evi­dence of promise for a young gay man in the world that she knew. Our church life did not help. Main­stream Protes­tant denom­i­na­tions were nowhere close to the lev­el of accep­tance for LGBTQ+ com­mu­ni­ties we see today.

If Judy Stu­art were alive today, I hope she would be proud of the per­son, leader and exec­u­tive I have become. I hope she would rejoice in the 28-year lov­ing rela­tion­ship I have with my hus­band, Tim. I hope she would be hap­py that San Diego is a place where we can be ful­ly who we are. I loved my moth­er deeply, miss her every day, and dream that she would have thought of San Diego as her favorite vaca­tion des­ti­na­tion because of us.

I’m also grate­ful to work for and lead an orga­ni­za­tion that allows us to bring our “whole selves” to work every day. At San Diego Foun­da­tion, we have a vision for just, equi­table and resilient com­mu­ni­ties. It’s why we sup­port our local LGBTQ+ com­mu­ni­ty through schol­ar­ships; men­tal and behav­ioral health sup­port for chil­dren, youth and fam­i­lies; and sum­mer and after-school pro­grams that help stu­dents feel sup­port­ed to be them­selves, among oth­er ini­tia­tives. Our work will not be com­plete until every­one who calls San Diego home has the oppor­tu­ni­ty to pros­per, thrive and feel like they belong.

On this Mother’s Day, I am cer­tain there are moms out there who may be won­der­ing about the gen­der iden­ti­ty or sex­u­al ori­en­ta­tion of their child. I ask that you place your love for that child above all else. Reframe your reli­gious con­vic­tions, wor­ries about the future, social norms, or what oth­ers may think of your child — and you. Too many of our home­less youth in San Diego are LGBTQ+ and were kicked out of their homes by par­ents who did not let love guide their deci­sion-mak­ing. I know one thing for cer­tain: Had I been kicked out of my fam­i­ly and home, I would not be the per­son, hus­band and com­mu­ni­ty leader I am today.

This arti­cle first appeared in The San Diego Union-Tri­bune.